More of that Low-FODMAP stuff

Yesterday, after seeing a dietitian for the first time I ate lots of things I shouldn’t, it shall, henceforth, be known as Josephine’s Greatest Rebellion, it will be spoken of for CENTURIES. I have led a wild life. I did it as my last night of freedom before I spend the next four weeks eating cardboard. Okay, it’s not that bad but some gluten-free stuff is just plain rank, right?

So here’s what I learnt (and hopefully it will be useful for you):

None of this boring diet stuff has to be done for fructose or lactose as you can take a breath test; apparaz I could be malabsorbing both so… I hate to think how much that would cost. I shall find out for you.

Nine years of The Heartburn has taught me pretty well what I can and can’t eat anyway. I’m half way to be a fully fledged Low-FODMAP graduate already. Go me.

Models of food are really gross looking.

I have to learn to eat slowly.

I need to drink more water.

I can still eat small amounts of crème fraîche, which is in, like, most of my dishes. Victory!

Fructose might just be the fruit of most of my misery, which happens to be the best of the FODMAPs, life sometimes blows.

Two weeks on the diet has stopped me looking 6 months pregnant. No one has offered me a seat on the train in a while – this is pretty bitter-sweet.

I’d given up gum, which I’m addicted to, but have now discovered I can eat Wrigley’s. GO WRIGLEY’S. They didn’t jump on board with all this new fangled sugar-free sh*t, they just went, “sod that, give people their sugar”. Effing heroes.

I have a booklet that tells me which products I can buy in the supermarket. It’s a fantastic read.

Also, I’ve made a video for you to teach you how to order in a restaurant when you’re on the Low-FODMAP diet:

So that’s that. Jules just got back from the gym and said, “you know how you feel all the time? Where you don’t have any strength? I feel like that.” Just you wait my friend, new Low-FODMAP me is going to be super energised. I’ll be doing pull-ups and sit-ups and other ups that you don’t even know about.

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